I'm sorry, Josh

Josh,

After 4 days, I will break my silence.

I must admit, I got mad about your previous post in your blog. I wish you could've let me explain my side first.

And I apologize if I have overlooked and became insensitive on your feelings if ever I deliver you the news regaring my reconciliation with my ex-boyfriend.

I'm sorry, Josh.

The truth is, I am not like some people who will take advantage of the feelings of a person just because they are frustrated or depressed over a recent failed relationship. I've experienced that. We went out, offered a commitment to love each other, even introduced me to his so-called circle of friends, but after a month he realized he can't (seriously) love me for he is still in love with the person before me.

I won't do that to anyone, least of all to you. You're a very nice guy. Everyone knows that.

I can feel that you like me, or to the least degree. Like I said, I'm not dumb. And I appreciate all the affection, care, love and passion that you've given and showed me. I shall cherish them forever.

I'm sorry if I didn't talk out things with you.

I'm sorry if I wasn't able to inform you about Darwin.

I'm sorry for being insensitive and unkind.

I am putting all the blame on my end. It is my fault.

I am sure of my feelings for Darwin, but I wasn't very open with you.

For the last couple of days, I kept thinking, "Did I made the right decision in getting Darwin back?", "Don't I deserve to be happy?", "Should I really get back with him?", "Will this reunion end my friendship with Josh? Will Josh and his readers hate me for the rest of their lives?"

I don't know what to think or to say anymore.

But like what I texted you last Tuesday night, I wanted you to be a friend, for life. Friendship is the strongest relationship there is. I have to admit that. There's a lot of guys out there I've met that I'd rather keep as a friend than to have a romantic relationship with and you are one of them.

Lovers will come and go, but friends will always stay by your side no matter what happens.

I'm not saying that Darwin and I won't last, but it would be cynical of me or any gay guy to even imagine that a gay relationship lasts forever. But yeah, I am still wishing he's the one.

Just setting myself expectations about gay love. It IS a complicated thing. It really is.

Again, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry Josh if I have caused you pain.

I hope you'll accept my apologies as I have embraced yours.